Sure-Fire Ways to Fire Up Your Chinese New Year Celebrations

There are 2 reasons why you are reading this post even though you’ve already read last year’s version of “Sure-Fire Ways to Get You Uninvited to Next Year’s Chinese New Year Celebrations”. You either found it useful and wanted to future proof yourself, or you found it not useful and want to future proof yourself.

Anyways, these methods require some practising (best alone in your bedroom, if you want an element of surprise), so it’s better you start reading right NOW.

Show Up At Your Neighbour’s House With An e-Scooter

Level: Light the Firecrackers

How: With such a big hoo-ha this incident created late last year, one of your relatives will sure make a comment about your PMD. 

However, in the event your relatives aren’t taking that bait, make a comment to suggest you rode it here via the pedestrian walk. Something that goes along the line of, “Whoa, just now so many people blocking me when I rode my scooter here, you know.”

To sustain the discussion, take the stand of insisting you have the right to ride on the pavement, or suggest innovative ways to work around the law (like riding on the grass patch or in between the yellow lines of roads).

Level: Adding Oil to the Fire

And if subtly suggesting that you just broke the law right from the start of the year doesn’t trigger a feverish response, try asking your host where you can charge your prized e-Scooter.

Insist that your e-Scooter won’t burst into flames and refuse to prove that it was certified. That should get everyone talking.

PSA: Please don’t ride your eScooter on pavement! It’s now illegal!range

Carry A Tote Bag To Hold Your Oranges

Level: Light the Firecrackers

This is a rather simple thing. Instead of the usual paper bag, carry a small tote bag to carry… just 2 oranges. Be sure to emphasize that you are doing your part for Mother Earth, with the tone that suggests the others in the family are destroying Earth.

Level: Adding Oil to the Fire

Insist that your relatives return 2 oranges, because the oranges you brought here were the ones your boss gave you before you left the office on Chinese New Year’s Eve. Why? Because you know most of us only use and eat half the oranges we buy every year and throw the rest away. And guess what? Mother Earth is dying…

If your relative returns you oranges individually wrapped in plastic, it’s the opportunity to kick up a big hooha. Immediately let out a loud gasp and say, “HOW DARE YOU!” and act like you are suffering an allergic reaction from touching the plastic packaging.

Level: Adding Oil to the Fire

Of course, Singaporeans only get real triggered when money is involved. If your relatives did not get furious about you screaming at plastic packaging or consistently mentioning “Die” / “Dying” on an auspicious day, make a slight complaint about having to pay for the plastic bags when you shopped at the NTUC near your house.

Just complain slightly.

You can always add more oil if the situation requires.

Talk About Hong Kong Protests

Level: Light the Firecrackers

To expertly pull this off without getting burnt, ease into the topic by referring to the most recent trip to Hong Kong you or your host did. If not, ask when they’re planning to visit Hong Kong. Or, praise the Jenny Biscuits or Maxim Lo Por Peng they gave you after their last Hong Kong trip.

Level: Adding Oil to the Fire

Once you get them heated up talking about how chaotic Hong Kong is now (even better if they got to witness the protests), take a stand. It doesn’t matter if you are pro-Protesters, pro-Police, pro-Hong Kong, or pro-China. Just state a stand, sit back, and enjoy the show.

Educate About Molest

Level: Light the Firecrackers

When your cousins start taking too many wefies, warn them (with the tone of a boomer) that they better not take naughty pictures with their phones. And then turn to the guys and warn them not to take photos of girls in the toilets.

This should start a debate of how the youngsters these days are “without proper manners”.

Level Up: Adding Oil to the Fire

If the guys are not studying in NUS/NTU or are not scholars, tell them that you are concerned about them, because they won’t get leniency if they get caught outraging the modesty of girls.

Level Up: Watch the World Burn

The situation will be better if there are also NUS/NTU/university students/graduates around. Turn to these people and ask them about the other privileges they got. That should start a fierce debate of uni-vs-non-uni.

Ask If Singapore Is An Immigrant Country

Level: Light the Firecrackers

Announce that the colleague whom your mother knows and probably like is considering leaving the company. Then gently remark that your boss is likely getting someone from [choose from China / Philippines / India] as a replacement. Watch your xenophobic uncle spark like Marie Kondo.

Level Up: Adding Oil to the Fire

Point out that your uncle’s wife (a.k.a your auntie, duh!) is a first generation immigrant from Malaysia. Or your cousin-in-law or something. According to statistics, Malaysians make up a majority of Singapore’s immigrant population and 1 in 4 Singaporeans marry a non-Singaporean, so there’s bound to be someone you can point out.

Then, watch your xenophobic uncle’s face glow like a dried up pot left on the stove with the fire on.

Level Up: Watch the World Burn

Ask your xenophobic uncle when he is replacing his foreign domestic worker (a.k.a maid, duh!) to a local one. Next, ask the maid how much she gets from your uncle. Then ask her how many off days she gets a month. When the situation gets real weird at the thought that the maid really got it tough, lament at the loss of lives in the Lucky Plaza accident.

The above are some of the topics that get Singaporeans triggered. Of course, if your relatives are docile, peace-loving people… You can find an easily-triggered boyfriend/girlfriend to get things heated up! According to anecdotes, popping by your local kopitiam and speaking in Mandarin / Hokkien helps.

Till then, stay sparkling!