The Day I Destroyed Christmas

I think I did.

When I walked up to the merry treats counter at Starbucks, I saw them waving at me. Santa and his reindeer. I couldn’t discern if that was Rudolph, because the nose wasn’t red. Yet Starbucks labelled him as such.

Perhaps I would know if I turned off the lights. Perhaps he was a knock-off, because his eyes were all over the place, like a wacko.

He looked weirdly angular, much like Santa. Isn’t Santa Claus supposed to be fat and with a big belly? He now sports a washboard abs.

They weren’t struggling when displayed before me. Their docile nature made me even more guilty – I’m gonna eat them and there wouldn’t be a Santa to distribute presents and a reindeer to pull the sleigh. (Now, where’s the sleigh?)

Anyhoo, Rudolph tasted very nutty, milky and sweet like honey. He was a bit dry, though. It could either be the Arctic climate or abuse from Santa (or maybe the elves, since according to Yanxi Palace, the servants are a force to be reckoned with). His horns were too sweet in my humble opinion, so they couldn’t be used for Chinese medication (TCM has a reputation to keep up, you know; Chinese medicine MUST taste herbally bitter).

Santa, on the other hand, didn’t taste fatty – a true testimony to his washboard abs. He was supposed to taste like Red Velvet (you know, the cake), but all I tasted was red. His belt was the nicest part of all – rich dark chocolate that balanced out his sweetness. Oh… his sweetness was begging me to spare him.

I ate him nonetheless.

That, was my 3 minute review of gobbling up Starbucks’ Santa Belt-vet Cake and Rudolph’s Honey Cake. If you’d like to join me to destroy Christmas in 2018, please storm the Starbucks outlets all over Singapore and devour all the remnants of Santa and Rudolph.

Mua. Ha. Ha.